Teens – Emo, Mental Illness or Negative Influence

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One night last November my daughter and her friend sat in my room watching one of our favorite shows on The CW. During the commercial break it gave a sneak peek of what would be aired on the news later that night and one breaking story was about Demi Lovato checking into rehab for self-inflicting pain. She had fought through eating disorders and was struggling with cutting. As my daughter and her friend hear the story their reaction was one that shocked me. They weren’t surprised. They were saddened to see Demi Lovato going through the struggles since she was a star they admired but the news didn’t shock them. We have watched Demi Lovato in many movies as a family so immediately our thoughts went out to her during this time. However the announcement on the news sparked apparently a much needed conversation on the topic.

T and her friend informed me of how Emo teens at their school cut themselves. The way they told me was in such a calm manner my jaw dropped. It was almost like ‘yeah, duh, mom don’t you know Emo kids cut themselves?‘ My initial reaction was startling in the least. I snapped my first response saying something to the effect of, ‘Emo is a style of music and fashion… cutting is not Emo it’s mental illness!‘ I quickly Googled images of Emo and showed the girls various hairstyles and clothing to help backup my argument.

I then calmly had a discussion with them on what cutting and mental illness truly is. Not the conversation I had planned for the evening. T and her friend told me about one girl at their school that had sought help from the school counselor for cutting and yet another girl that was being encouraged by her friends to seek help because apparently her habit was getting severe. I was floored. I tried my best to get a handle on my shock and instead of put fear into the girls, I explained how dangerous cutting and mental illness is.

After that night the unease of the conversation weighed on my mind. I told numerous people about it and asked them if they had heard of the association between self-inflicting pain and being considered Emo. Are teens confusing the facts of style and self-harm? Then I started to dig around on the internet… While reading through the background of the term Emo on Wikipedia I scrolled through pages, one paragraph after another until finally towards the bottom I found stereotype and there it was…

Emo has been associated with a stereotype that includes being particularly emotional, sensitive, shy, introverted, or angst-ridden.[105][106][107] It has also been associated with depression, self-injury, and suicide.[108][109]

My daughter and her friend were right… Of course this is just a stereotype and not a fact. Not all people who consider themselves Emo conduct self-inflicted pain. Not all people whom suffer from cutting are considered Emo. But where is the line drawn when it comes to teens? What separates trying to fit into a crowd of a certain style they admire and performing self-harm? Is there a difference between mental illness or just negative influence? Are there truly teens out there that cut themselves because they enjoy a type of music, fashion style and group of friends which leads them to believe that is the right way to fit in?

Emo, Scene, Skater, Punk, Jock, Prep… I can hardly keep up. Can you?

Have you had this discussion with your teen? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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23 Comments

  1. Honestly, I’ve never heard of Emo until this post BUT my kids are 9 and 4 so it maybe not be uncommon for me to NOT know this term at this point.

    As for mental illness versus negative influence, I think at the teen stage, there can be both going on and sometimes what may be a negative influenced behavior can turn into a mental illness. Teen brains are still forming and the area of the brain that determines good or bad judgment isn’t fully developed until around 19 or 20. It’s just all the more reason parents need to be in-tune with the teen culture and have ongoing conversations to continually set the record straight with a misguided teen just like you did.

    With social media as such an integral part of our society these days for both adults and teens, information (good AND bad) is flowing into their impressionable hands at record speeds. When the information is good, then it can be a good thing but when it’s things like this, the bad information, it’s downright dangerous.

    Mama, pat yourself on the back for jumping on the topic and addressing the obviously bad information T and her friend had gotten a hold of! Maybe they can help spread the accurate information about Emo to their friends.

  2. I had no idea there was a “name” for the stereotype but when I asked my teen son, he knew exactly how to describe this kind of young woman with a long list of attributes including cutting and ending up with “basically really messed up Mom”. What’s so troubling for parents of teens is being able to stay on top of it all to have conversations like you did that will keep the lines open with our children and their friends, helping to insure they won’t fall prey to the same challenges. Great post shedding a light on such a dangerous trend.

  3. Though I would love to correspond with other parents on this topic via email, privacy and anonymity over the internet is priority so neither my name or email are true. I have a child that fits into this stereotype to a T. She even realized it herself on an internet search.. Yes… Cutting , hair styles, body piecing and self tattooing (without permission) and all. We have had her in counseling for about 4 years now… medicated at times.. Currently she is seeing a Christian Counselor and finally showing signs of change and healing, and being the creative chatty child we once knew. .. and this is WITHOUT medication. This particular child has shown from the beginning an explosive personality that in it’s best, has produced incredible achievements via immense talent combined with fierce perseverance… But also an equally ominous side of heart wrenching magnitude.
    Todays youth are grievously burdened with the spirit of negativity and unrest of these times and as parents, we need to take our responsibility to do whatever we can to see that we do not lose our children to a dark future. Parenting is the hardest job I have ever done. If I can be of help to anyone else in this situation, please ask. I will
    check back.
    On Twitter – ElRoiShalom

  4. AH yes…the Emo discussion. It is very sad indeed that the music, fashion and style as it is called is definitely associated with emotions of depression, lack of self esteem that then turns into self-inflicted pain such as cutting.

    None of us are immune to this and if you have a child that is easily influenced please be aware. My oldest suffered from the Emo stage although she had a loving family and parents. At first they think it’s cool and are then drawn into the darkness of it all.

    Thankfully, we have open lines of communication in our family which is a MUST in every family and I was able to spot the signs of self-inflicted pain before it got worse. It’s a sad that are children are exposed to this however, keeping the communication open and always having an open door philosophy will keep your children safe. God bless…

  5. How scary! My sister is bi-polar and struggled with burning and cutting herself. She has slowed down on it now but has her moments and it is very scary. I think even scarier when teens see it so often that it has become a calming thing to say “oh by the way kids in school do that” it shouldn’t be that “normal” to a teen … those teens need help as I know it is mental health issue and so sad to see teens doing that to themselves. My sister is so scared up from self inflicting pain and now as an adult she is embarrassed to show her arms often.

  6. i hate the stereotyping of emo..emo actually started out as a word referring to a type of music. funny how it evolved. my daughter is not ’emo’, but she does have depression, she has cut herself. i got her help before it ever got bad and she stopped a long time ago. she’s slowly coming out of the depression, too, after have been on medication for a bit. some of the most popular kids cut themselves, ya just never know.

    i really don’t think the music or the fashion is indicative of who is depressed. case in point, a classmate of my 14yo daughter took her own life in october. she was 13. not one person understood or expected it. she was the girl who was always smiling and joking, a lover of spongebob, she often wore spongebob related stuff to school. i just wish she had been able to say something to anyone about how she was feeling. sad part about the whole stereotyping thing, is that it’s the KIDS who stereotype each other because none of them have a clue what any word they say means or what impact it has on others. i could give an example of a couple words that kids misuse and don’t understand, but that would take all day & not relative to depression.

  7. I’ve had this conversation with my oldest for sure. This doesn’t just touch those in “tradtional” schools, it also touches those of us who homeschool as well. My sons have always been homeschooled, but my oldest especially has suffered from some depression and anger issues. Luckily he has never tried to hurt himself and is doing well enough that he tries to help others who have had much worse depression and have even been cutters.

    Although EMO is a term for styles and music genres, the styles draw to them kids that have these emotional problems. Not just kids who happen to like the music and style. It’s something that I’ve been aware of LONG before I had kids, so when I saw my oldest start getting into the Goth styles I have kept a close eye on him to make sure that he’s not in need of more help than I could give him.

    Believe me it’s not easy to hear your kids talk about emotional problems with such non-chalant ease, but I’m glad they are talking to me about it anyway.

    Good for you for learning more and listening to your kids!

  8. The music genre “Emo” has been around for quite some time… I’m *ahem* 36 and it was around when I was growing up…and very much a part of the culture I lived in.

    Just like you said, the term depicts people who like a certain type of music, a certain type of dress, etc… but it is EMOtional… people who are draw to this type of music, to this classification are most likely already in a state of mind that lends itself to, or is derived from depression…over emotional sensitivity. This in turn can lend itself to self harming behaviors which is how many people deal with their emotions without a proper outlet. The music is often beautiful, often angst ridden…words that speak to the tortured teenage soul.

    Self mutilation (in the form of cutting, starving or purging one’s self and a myriad of others)IS a mental illness… it is disturbing…it encompasses every fear I have for my children; my daughter in particular, growing up. I’m NOT sure, however, that it is something depicted as “cool” or something that someone would do to “fit in”. The idea might be placed in someone’s head by hearing of another person doing it…but people with real issues involving self mutilation hide their problems. They don’t want people to know it is happening to them. It isn’t “cool”.

    The idea that it is “normal” is the most disconcerting part to me. Just like you said. What can we do? Be aware. Talk to each other as parents, talk to our children. Just like you did. I think the fall down point lies with adults, parents in particular, who fail to acknowledge or address these issues with kids. If we can’t talk about them with kids… what are they to think? Just like sex and sexuality, just like drugs and alcohol….mental illness, self mutilation…. if we don’t open lines of communication with our kids they are going to find the topic more taboo…and find their proper outlet for questions and concerns (you) to be closed to them.

    I’m rambling.

    Dwan … good for you for immediately discussing the issue. Good for you for being the parent who is there to hold the discussion…and good for you for sharing 🙂

  9. I think the dichotomy of the article is a little troubling. A couple decades ago we could’ve had a very similar article titled “Rock Music: Mental Illness or Negative Influence?”

    Suicide and self-harm are serious issues that we’d all do well to talk to our kids about, but I think that focusing on self-harm and suicide is missing the point. The problem that we should be focusing on is why these kids haven’t learned healthy ways to express their feelings to their friends, family, or counselors. So if an emotionally well-adjusted child, with good communication with their parents, and network of supportive social relationships is, for some reason curious about feeling some physical pain, they would be more likely to proceed in a reflective, thoughtful, safe, and responsible manner. If you’re wondering, yes I am saying that it’s not necessarily unhealthy for a kid to experiment with cutting themselves so long as they’re talking about what they’re doing with their parents and why they’re doing it, etc.

    I think the exact same argument can be made for responsible experimentation with sexuality, video games, or drug use, all of which can be unhealthy or dangerous in some circumstances, but perfectly healthy and developmentally appropriate in others.

    1. I hardly know where to begin to reply to this “yes I am saying that it’s not necessarily unhealthy for a kid to experiment with cutting themselves so long as they’re talking about what they’re doing with their parents and why they’re doing it, etc.” from what school of psychology or psychiatry do you come? talking about it is one thing, for a parent to allow such experimentation would be ruled child neglect.. and as to sexual experimentation. please. We teach our kids to be ‘safe’ if they have sex, or to totally abstain in many cases.. your ideas, while you’re welcome to them and certainly welcome to an opinion, in my book and in the book of others who are professionals in mental heath are beyond the pale and certainly NOT something parents should do..

      1. I thought about that sentence very carefully before typing it, and I understand that it’s uncomfortable, but I think I need to clarify that I’m not making a psychological argument, it’s a physiological argument. Consider that superficial wounds aren’t really more damaging to your body than eating junk food, or sliding into first base. It’s scary if your kid is cutting themselves, I get it, but the physical harm isn’t the real issue, The real issue is “why are they doing this?” If the answer to that question is that they’re depressed, filled with self-loathing, or because they feel numb, then THAT is the problem. The self-harm is just a symptom. My point is that fixating on the scary symptom instead of the quiet and much more dangerous underlying problem is a bad idea and does our kids a disservice. It’s a disservice because not all kids with these issues cut themselves and not all kids who cut themselves have these issues. I’m also not a fan of the “Just say ‘no’ to _____” approach since it is meant to cultivate obedience rather than self-reflection, critical thinking, and communication.

        In this context, I say that it’s within the realm of possibility that kids could experiment with cutting themselves safely. I wouldn’t encourage kids to do it, but I also wouldn’t forbid or stigmatize them for being curious.

    1. Doesn’t that just stun you Robyn?? I’m shocked at all this, these comments, and then the fact that my son knows someone who does it. wow.

  10. I just asked my kiddo and her friend what she calls the kids at school (and remember we live in a TINY rural town) who are all depressed and possibly cut on themselves or some sort of self mutilation.

    In unison: You mean the Evo kids??

    So there you have it. They told me they are different than the Goth kids for what that’s worth, and I agree they were very nonchalant about it. Just another group to them.

    “You know, the kids who sit in the back with their eyes down all mopey all the time.”

    Yikes. I agree mental illness is not just a ‘group’ thing.

  11. Dwan, this shows how great you are as a mom. #1: that your kids would open up to you about this. #2: that you took it seriously and had the important conversation rather than brushing it off. My kids aren’t old enough to be dealing with this yet (hopefully), but it won’t be long. I know a girl who has large scars on her legs and arms, and whenever I see them, I’m reminded that my child is not beyond these types of problems.

    I just hope I can keep the lines of communication open with my girls. If they feel like they can talk to me about their emotions, maybe I can help them through the rough times and get them help if they need it. KUDOS for taking on such an important topic!

  12. I’m uncomfortable with the blending of emo and cutters.

    When I was a teen I fit neatly into the goth stereotype, which means I was constantly in the counselor’s office because someone had reported me for being on drugs, suicidal, dabbling in animal sacrifice or anorexic. None of those were true. Not true of any of my friends, either.

    But there were girls who were in and out of the psych ward for attempted suicides, and I really think those girls were what we call cutters today. Depressed and in pain. Emo kids and goth kids- they’re the fringe, they wear a lot of black, they cultivate a sense of drama. It’s an easier fit for depressed kids than trying to fit in with the cheerleaders or the academic elite.

    Incidentally, a lot of cheerleaders drink. A lot of overachieving academics take stimulants. We need to keep an eye on all our kids, regardless of the clothes or music they favor.

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  14. It’s scary for a parent to learn how our children know about such things. I always encourage parents to listen to their kids, especially tweens and teens. We can learn from them.

  15. I think as adults and responsible ones we should all caution labeling and stereotyping our youth. I’m sorry but that causes more pressure, chaos, emotions etc than necessary. They are a body full of raging and unknown emotions and then they have ADULTS labeling them and making assumptions. Cutting can said to be done for a variety of reasons but if you pin point it down, something is bothering this person and someone should talk to them….errr LISTEN to them.

    Regardless of clothes, music, what they eat for dinner or what they watch on TV these are all human beings with emotions and we have the power as adults and should I say cautiously the responsibility to listen, help, influence whatever we can, these young adults in coping with the day to day life of being a teenager.

    Of course I live in my ideal bubble of a world where I believe the outside NEVER portrays the inside especially with the youth (who happens to be the future) of our nation.

  16. I have a daughter that was EMO. She is 15 and has be in two Psychiatric facilities, and the Emergency room several times. Tried to OD on pills and was in Hospital for a week trying to prevent liver damage.

    Her body is scared and after the last facility I took her clothing away, locked up all the medicines in our home and literally monitor her like a 2 year old child.

    She insisted last night that she will be EMO and dress how she wants to and there is nothing we can do to stop her.

    I am at loss.

  17. It sad to think that teenagers dont think or value their self worth and have to resort to cutting themselves. My daughter is 13 and I’m having to deal this issue, I thank God that my daughter realized that what she was doing was wrong ask for help to stop. She has a long road ahead of her to fully recover.

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