The day my child thought I was a stranger
The day my daughter did not know who I was….
When she woke up crying and calling out for mommy I jumped up and was instantly by her side. It was the validation that my child needed me in that moment. Feeling helpless at the hospital, knowing the path we were on was completely out of my hands, was not an easy feeling. When she called out to me my heart sang with the realization that I was not useless in this situation, I was her mother. I was her rock. I was her comfort in a time when not much provided comfort.
At least those were my feelings that lasted for that split second when she cried out for her mom. They lasted up until she looked me in the eyes and said “I want my mommy, where’s my mommy?” and then my heart sunk. She did not know me. When I touched her and tried to comfort her saying “I’m right here” the cries became louder. She rejected me. She mistook me for a complete stranger.
That feeling of rejection was worse than any pain I’ve felt in my entire life. The rejection was so strong I felt broken inside. This rejection was worse than any I can begin to describe because it was not voluntary. I could see in her eyes the confusion; she was lost.
I remember everything about November 30, 2007.
The smells of the ICU room Gabby was put in. The color of the walls and chair. The nurses that came in and out of the room. I could point them out in a line up and even remember how their hair was styled that given day. But most of all I remember every detail on my child’s face. The pain, the emotional hurt and the confusion. If I close my eyes I can picture it all as if I was staring right into the past. Actually, flashes still come back to me even when I don’t close my eyes. Even seven years later… I can feel the raw ache in my chest the same as I did that day. The ache is a little different now than it was back then. Now the ache includes some regret, a lot of guilt.
Gabby went in for her second brain surgery that day. She was having the grids removed and undergoing a Hemispherectomy which is the removal of the left side of her brain. The ultimate goal was to stop her constant seizures. At this stage there really wasn’t any other options for her. The surgery lasted 10 hours. Ten long hours.
When we were finally allowed into her ICU room to see her she was filled with tubes. The IVs all over her body I had become accustom to. It was the breathing tube down her throat and the realization that the future was unknown that was the most difficult. They told us she would not wake for another couple of hours but let us all in to see her. We were in the room for about ten minutes before she woke up crying, coughing, and choking on the tube. A group of nurses and doctors rushed in to help her. They all started working on her in a frenzy while some of us stood there stunned. I was devastated. What went wrong? Why was she awake? Why was she suffering?!
They finally calmed her down, removed the tube from her throat and she drifted back to sleep. She rested peacefully for another hour.
Some people suggest taking things day by day. Living one day at a time. During this time for us it was living moment by moment. I never knew when a new challenge would present itself. I was lucky if I got a whole day before the next bump in the road. In this case, I got one more hour. Until she woke up and called out for me – the mother she didn’t know.
I pulled away or maybe I was pushed away – pushed by an unseen force when the tension built up so thick with despair that I couldn’t breathe. I became angry in a flash. I was angry at the situation. I shouted “HOW CAN SHE NOT KNOW ME?!” I was angry with the doctors. I was angry at life. I was angry with God!
My mom was instantly by my side trying to reassure me. “Of course she knows you, she’s just still out of it from the sedation“. My poor mother, she knew this wasn’t true. Gabby had gone under sedation more times than I could count by this point in her life. We knew going into this surgery that there were risks. Having the left temporal of the brain removed can affect your memory. I just ended up angry with my mom for trying to provide comfort. My mom then went to Gabby’s side to try and comfort her.
This was it. The last straw. The moment I was finally going to break. I wanted to run out of that hospital room and not stop. I wanted to throw my cell phone against the wall and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces each time someone texted me to ask how things were going. I wanted to scream until every last breath I had was gone. I wanted to punch anyone in the face that told me everything would be okay. EVERYTHING WAS NOT OKAY! No one understood what I was going through and I didn’t want anyone to pretend they did. I didn’t want anyone to even talk to me. But I didn’t do any of those things. I couldn’t. I felt like I was punched in the chest so hard I had no life left. I had no strength to throw my phone. No strength to run. So I sat in the corner in silence and avoided everyone.
Even my daughter.
The daughter that in this moment may not have known me, but I knew and loved her. Today the guilt is real.
The one part I am most thankful for now is that not only did she get her memory back to know me as her mother, she forgot all about this day. I would rather relive these haunted memories over and over for the rest of my life than have her remember one second of it.
Dwan, I think this is my first time hearing this story. It made me cry! I am so sorry you went through that. I really can’t imagine how much that would hurt.
And please, stop with the guilt. 🙂 It is one thing to remember the pain and how the day went, but you’re a forgiven daughter of the King and He’s wiped that away. You’re an amazing mother.
I love you.
I think as a mother we always expect more out of ourselves than others do. I just wish I handled it differently.
I love you too, Erica!
This is hard for a mom to go through realizing they cant help and fix things. Although nothing compared to this, I had the same feelings when my son came out of surgery from a tonsile removal.
It is so scary for our children to have surgery isn’t it, Tara? As mothers we want to protect our babies at all times and putting faith in the Lord and the doctors is sometimes scary. Letting go of that control. No surgery is too small. I remember being a wreck when my daughter had surgery on her leg.
As I read this I found myself above you in this room when this happened. I can feel the urge to hug you tell you that you are an amazingly strong woman but at the same time I also know had those words been said or comfort provided nothing would have helped in that moment. I’m glad you are sharing your story, I can only imagine the depth of all you and your family have gone through yet today you all are so strong and have the love only that bond of a family can bring. Xo
I will always accept hugs! 🙂 I’m glad you could ‘feel’ what was happening in this post. I hope my words are able to give others encouragement that go through tough situations. No mom is perfect and I accepted that a long time ago. I’m so thankful for such an amazing support system of friends!
Thanks for sharing this difficult story. In that moment you did what you could to preserve yourself. Sometimes that is all we can do in trying times. You have made it through that day, and many more. You have been forgiven by God and doubly blessed in knowing that Gabby doesn’t remember any of it, Let Him take the guilt. You are a fantastic mother. Move forward in the freedom of Christ.
Thank you, Cindy. That is the perfect way to put it. I was preserving myself in a moment that I literally didn’t feel capable of carrying anymore weight. Those years were a very trying time and the four month hospital stay took a toll on everyone. Thank you for your kind words.
I cannot even imagine the feelings that you experienced through all of this. Thanks for sharing your story, your family is in my prayers for sure. Your daughter is beautiful and you’re a fantastic Mom! 🙂 I have a 3 month old little boy that is starting to recognize me from across the room and always wants his Mommy, motherhood is wonderful.
Wow! What a day, and story. I couldn’t imagine. Scary and Heartbreaking all at the same time. I’m really glad she got her memory back but also that she doesn’t remember that day. I’m sure she would be scared to know about it, I know I would be and I’m sure my kids would be too!
Thank you for sharing your very heartfelt story. My heart goes out to you when she didn’t remember you. But glad that at the end of your story she remembered you and does not even recall that dreadful day. May you have wonderful memories from that day on. 🙂
Your story made me cry but thank you for sharing your story. As a mother, we try to protect our children from the unknown of everything but when things like this push us emotionally; it’s a toll that become’s very heavy for quite some time. I’ll be praying for your family and to ask him to protect your family. Today, was a tough day and this story gave me a little hope, that there’s something special at the end of the rainbow.
Yes – as a mother I can certainly identify with your beautifully written story – my son had his leg broken clear through by the baby sitter (friend) and he was just 10 months old -so couldn’t tell us what was going on – as nothing looked really wrong – we struggle as to rather he would walk correctly, etc – his leg was shorter as he grew up – but, chiropractors help with that – It is a huge relief also – not a bit as your story – yet as a mom it’s always bit, right? Big hugs – and I can understaand your thankfulness! 🙂
Though I don’t have Children, this post made me teary. This must have been heartbreaking to not have her recognize you. Sending you and Gabby positivity all the way from Jamaica
Other than a God’s love, nothing else transcends a mother’s love. Gabby is a trooper by the way.
Wow, I can totally relate to what you ave been through. My daughter has been hospitalized over 100 times in her lifetime. It is not easy, but it does create a very strong bond. Blessings to you. Please come share your blog posts over at the Home Matters Linky Party! We’d love to have you for a visit. The Door is OPEN. http://lifewithlorelai.com/2015/01/15/home-matters-linky-party-20/ 🙂
~Lorelai
Life With Lorelai
OMG Dwan I’m so sorry you went through all that. I couldn’t help have my tears all around my face while reading your story. I really don’t know if I had acted any different than you if I had to go through all that. I can’t imagine my girl not recognizing me, I think I would die of sadness. That is something no one should experience. I’m glad that she does know you now. And I truly deeply hope she recovers completely and that you all have a lovely life together.
Sendilng love and lots of hugs for you and your sweet little one!!!
XOXO
I cannot imagine what you were going through in those days. That would be a hard surgery for an adult to go through no less a child. Very thankful she can not remember that day I imagine even in her state it was scary. Glad to hear she pulled through that day.
Oh my.. your story really touches me. It must not be a great memory for you but your daughter now you can really see how much she truly love you. You really inspire me of how much of a parent loves her child because shes your daughter. Overall this story has really opened and widened my horizons. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, this made me cry! I’m not sure which was more of a tearjerker, that fact that she didn’t know you were her mother or that she had to go through all of this. I’m so thankful that she now knows you are her mother because that would be hard on both of you.
Omgosh, I started crying from the beginning and then through all of you pain as a Mother. If my son did not know me I don’t know what I would do. Maybe the same thing you did. Feeling like running forever, throwing anything I could get my hands on, but then just sit for hours like a statue. I lost one of my baby boys 21 years ago and that’s exactly what I did. Nothing. I sat for hours until something like having to go to the bathroom or being hungry forced me to move. The love of a child and the pain of a child are the best and worst things in the world. I am sooo glad you have your little girl back! Blessings for you and your daughter.
I can’t even imagine how scary this was for you. And for your daughter too. Such a huge ordeal to suffer through. I am so glad this is behind you all now. I’m also glad she regained her memory. Sweet baby girl.
I’m glad she forgot about that day. How scary. 🙁 I can’t imagine how you felt. It must have been awful.
My nephew has been having seizures. They are constant. He has a lot more wrong with him, so more than likely they’d never do surgery, or my sister would have to fight it. He has a chromosome problem called Trisomy 18. Ever since they started giving him meds for his seizures he has not been his happy little self. He just is so blank, and stares off into space. My heart hurts for my sister’s family right now. 🙁
My son that’s now 8 had Meningitis when he was 2 month old. He didn’t have the chance to have all his shots. Thankfully he was so little he doesn’t remember any of it.
I’m sorry to hear about your nephew. My daughter was having constant seizures caused by a stroke she had in utero. She also has Cerebral Palsy. It’s been a long road of health issues and surgeries but we face each day head on. She is now 14 and doing much better in the area of seizures.
I’m glad to hear your son overcame meningitis, that’s scary!
I almost want to cry reading this. I am so sorry you all had to go through. Thank God she is ok now. I wish you the very best. Thank you so much for sharing
Oh Dwan what a scary time for you and for her. Thank goodness she doesn’t remember it at all. Four months it s very long time to be back and forth to hospital. I also could feel all of the emotion in this post. You had a right to feel angry for sure. That was a big surgery. She must be an amazing girl.