My Testimony
Someone recently asked me what my testimony was. I was put on the spot at that moment and although I was able to give them an honest answer that truly came fairly easy to me, I later stopped to think more on the question. I’ve always considered myself a Christian. I have always believed in God, that was never a doubt for me.
When Gabby had brain surgery I was mad at God. It seems so petty to me now, considering I witnessed a miracle with her surgery. At that time I couldn’t rationalize it. I was hurt, confused and just flat out angry that I was dealing with so much. Sounds selfish now. I was mad that my poor innocent child was going through pain and a life changing surgery. I felt it wasn’t fair since she had already been through so much and at times even felt she had to suffer for my sins. Like I was being punished and she was caught in the middle. Our whole family hurt.
Gabby’s first brain surgery lasted 9 hours. My family made me take a break from the waiting room at one point to stretch my legs so we ventured down to the main atrium of the children’s hospital where they had a fashion market setup. I found a sterling silver ring with a cross cutout that fit perfect on my middle finger. I bought the ring and have worn it daily since. It holds a special place in my heart since Gabby survived that day and continues to live a healthy life.
The easy thing to say next would be how I became a dedicated Christian after experiencing that miracle with Gabby. There were multiple churches praying for her through those months and so many friends and family members helping assist me in prayers that I should have seen clearly. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I felt Gabby had gone through hell for five years at that point and God was allowing her to suffer through even more when the surgery didn’t go as planned. So I tucked all my faith nice and neatly into that silver ring I wore every day and put up a hard outer shell so I wouldn’t have to admit my anger. I sucked it up and did what it took to raise my child, on my own, without God’s assistance. So I believed…
A couple of years went by and I started feeling more of a tug on my heart from the Lord. I started reading some of the bible but not much. I would talk to God at times but didn’t believe I was praying.
A year ago I reached out to a dear friend of mine, Sarah. I asked her for help with my Christianity. I knew it was time to find my way back. I’ll never forget the countless hours she spent with me on the phone. Answering what I thought was the most stupid questions and never once making me feel dumb. She was patient with me and truly cared. She showed me the way right back to our Lord, which was exactly what I needed. I’ll never forget the words she said to me when I told her about my anger and wondered if I was even a Christian at all for feeling that way. She reminded me if I could be angry with God then I must believe in him and that being a Christian didn’t exempt me from pain and anger. Those few words and the encouragement she gave me is all it took. It might sound sappy to say that day changed my life but it’s true.
A few short months later I found a church I now call home. This Spring I will have been attending for a solid year and love it. My kids love it and T is very active in the youth group, which makes me smile. I have become very close to several other members of our church and I feel blessed to have such an amazing community of believers in my life.
I haven’t blogged much about faith and religion in the past, however I felt this was a story I needed to share. I hope one day I am able to touch someone’s heart and bless them the way Sarah has blessed me.
I love this, Dwan. Beautiful, honest. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, Dwan! This post made my day! I knew without clicking who Sarah was, her love for Jesus shines through so sincere! David, the “man after God’s own heart”, frequently cried out to God in anger and frustration. God knows how we feel anyway so we may as well share it with Him. I admire you for the strength you exhibit with all the challenges you have faced and am proud to call you friend (and sister in Christ!)
Oh, I am so happy to hear your story! I can understand the questions and the anger. Even I, who has been strong in my faith for many years, struggle with those feelings as I watch my husband not be able to find a job for so many years. It’s a totally different scenario, but the same end “result.” I can either be mad at God right now or I can turn to him….and let him guide me to where HE knows we should be going right now, NOT where I think we should be going. Our vision, at times, is so limited, but luckily God sees farther than we do. 🙂
Dwan, this is such a heart felt, honest testimony. I recently, as you know, had that tug for other reasons on my heart. Being not raised on any religion I had always had the doubts about God and if he existed or if I believed in him, but I too found myself talking to him, praying is what it was without realization, then one day last week I was having a real difficult time, I prayed that night to God and the next day had totally forgotten I had done so. I slept good that night, better than I had in a long time, and that next day when I was outside on my deck thinking about all that is going on (as you know what all that is), the clouds pushed apart and the sun beamed on me, as if it was just beaming on ME and I felt warmth and the spirit within me. As soon as I had that feeling the sun went back behind the clouds & I remembered, I prayed last night. It was an amazing feeling and I will not ignore that day and feeling for I had it a month or so previously & had let my thoughts ignore the feeling. I am happy for all that you have become and all that you are doing to remain strong and I do now believe that God can give us and our love ones strength in life if only we allow him to. I love you and Sarah is an amazing girl, glad you had her to talk to about all of this! For some days I feel alone in my faith, even though I have support at home, it’s not the same as being next to someone who can understand what I felt that day and how I feel now that I felt it. Xo
Just wanted to let you know that I read this. I don’t really have a comment but I thought it was better to say something that just read and leave. I’m really glad you shared your story 🙂
What a beautiful story! Praise the Lord for Sarah! God used her when you needed her most. Isn’t it amazing how he does this? Your story really touched my heart and reminded me of times in my life God brought the Chrsitian friend I needed at just the right time to lead me to Him. And I pray I can be that friend to other people.
gorgeous story. i’ve met sarah and she is such an amazing person – i love hearing that she journeyed with you through this! when i became a christian, i called the only christian at college i knew – the girl who lived across the hall. she burst into tears and said – ‘you have NO IDEA how many people were praying for you!” i’ll never forget it.
PRAISE GOD!
I love that you shared this. The ring is a beautiful symbol of you coming full circle with God, coming back to him. I’m so happy that you found a church you feel a home in, it’s so important. Lent is coming, I always find that this is a special opportunity to get closer to him.
this is very honest… and the ring! i’m happy for you that you have something to symbolize that day for.
Thanks for sharing a story so personal to you!